It’s Father’s Day this weekend and I have a warning: I’m not going to be buying you a greeting card. I’m learning that my own words are important to you. I want my words to speak loudly to your soul—in positive ways that strengthen your spirit. I’m learning that a steady dose of personalized appreciation and encouragement from me is essential. I’m realizing that I can find more and better ways to express how much I value you. And I want to teach our kids to do that too.

I am thankful…

• You don’t try to be just like all the other dads. I’m sure it’s tempting to compare yourself with others who might seem to be doing it better. I compare myself to other moms sometimes too. If there are any comparisons, I want other people to inspire us, not drag us down.
• You are learning to be yourself. It makes my heart glad that you are uniquely you. And you are well-equipped to be the dad our children need.
• You provide for your family. Beyond the ways you contribute financially, you also fix things, help make things, play games, wrestle on the floor with the kids, share ideas and perspectives, speak reason, plan adventures and make us laugh.
• You fill a role that I cannot. While I may spearhead things like the IEP, your voice in those meetings still matters too. While I often run point on things like therapies and grocery shopping, your oversight on car, yard work and home maintenance eases my mind! I’m grateful we can keep working to optimize our personal strengths on this crazy team.
• There are many ways you make me feel supported. I promise to call those out in specific ways more often, because I want to encourage you and reassure you of my appreciation. I feel less alone on this special needs journey and more like part of a team because of you.
• You bring a sense of stability to our chaos.

I’m sorry…

• Sometimes I have fought harder for a great IEP than I have for a strong, healthy relationship with you. Our children need that. We all need that.
• Sometimes I resent the opportunities you have outside of caregiving. I don’t want you to feel guilty about that. I’m just being honest.
• I don’t always cooperate with your efforts to lead and serve our family. I want to give you space and freedom to lead from your own strengths and style. I hope you’ll cooperate with mine, too. I pray that our individual roles in this family will not be in competition, but complementary.
• For those times when my actions and words—or lack of words—have discouraged you.

Please forgive me.

I understand…

• It’s hard for you to stay engaged. By the nature of your work and needs for your own self-care, your time at home can be limited.
• You didn’t come into fatherhood with role models for what it looks like to be a special needs parent. Your own dad wasn’t perfect, either.

I hope you…

• Grow increasingly confident and energized as a father—just do YOU!
• Feel safe to be yourself with us—to share your grief, weaknesses, fears, disappointments, hopes and dreams. Even if we can’t “fix” them, we can honor each other in the process of life. I value knowing your heart.
• Find connections with more dads who understand the road you are on, as someone with a child who has special needs. Just as I am building friendships with other special needs moms, I am learning there are men all around the world walking in shoes like yours and they want like-minded friends, too.
• Keep learning with me. There are too many things for just one person to know and understand about how to help our child(ren) thrive. Our two perspectives are better than one when it comes to understanding a diagnosis, navigating our medical complexities, evaluating therapy options, implementing a special diet, budgeting for special needs and home modifications, advocating for a fair and inclusive education and keeping on top of insurance matters along with all the regular matters of the day.
• Join with me to find better ways of tag-teaming on caregiving, so each of us has adequate opportunities for self-care.
• Find regular encouragement. And I hope more of that will come through me and your family.

I am looking forward to another year of parenting with you. Your partnership matters and I know we are the team our child(ren) needs. No matter our circumstances, we get to laugh together, cry together, try new things, experience new adventures, learn from each other, forgive each other (over and over again, as each of us is in-process) and grow stronger as the unique family that we are. None of us is perfect. We’re a work-in-progress. And that process finds positive momentum when we stick together.

You are deeply loved. Yes, the kids and I love you! For sure we do. This Father’s Day, we are committed to trying harder to express that to you on the daily. We want to get better at telling you very specifically why we love and appreciate you so much. Thank you for being patient with us.

I love you and thank God for you.

This article first appeared on the Key Ministry blog in June 2020.

---